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What's this we spy on Madonna? As well as the obligatory Kabbalah bracelet around her wrist, she also seems to be wearing a crucifix as she headed for the Boom Boom Room Party in New York with Jesus Lux. Are you allowed to do that?
Actually, once she's put the leotard way, Madge doesn't look bad to a man half her age. Is that unlined visage really down to 30 years of power yoga though? With fellow sugar mummy Demi Moore also an orange bracelet wearer, we can't help but wonder if Kabbalah's actually a Hollywood code word for botox...?
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Talking of tricky family situations, Madonna has decided that now's the time to make amends with her estranged brother Christopher Ciconne.
The pair fell out after he wrote a book called Life With My Sister Madonna, in which Christopher made negative comments about Guy Ritchie. However, according to the Sunday Mirror, Madonna is now trying to make amends, presumably after realising that she doesn't like Guy much either.
A source told the paper, "at one point Madonna wanted all the family to cut off Chris - but her father wasn't willing. It's been a nightmare ever since. She's calmed down about the book and had time to think. She realizes blood is thicker than water and has said she will meet with him this year in LA."
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Looks like Madge's jet-setting lifestyle is taking its toll, with the singer collapsing twice during a concert in Sofia on Sunday.
According to The Sun, she lost consciousness during 'Holiday,' before passing out offstage during a rendition of 'Spanish Lesson'.
There's every possibility that she's heard the songs so many times now that she simply nodded off (they do when they get to that age you know). However a source told the newspaper, "She refused to end the show or take a break after the 'Holiday' dizzy spell. It turns out she's suffering from exhaustion. She is anaemic."
They added: "She was advised to postpone the last two shows in Israel for a few days, but logistics and stubbornness stopped her. She'll do them then take some rest."
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Madonna must be feeling the age gap between herself and Jesus Luz right now. Back when she was a girl men were men, women were women and never the twain would meet. Nowadays even the most manly of chaps takes an interest in accessories, as demonstrated by Jesus with his natty patent bag and matching shoes. What a metrosexual.
Although as they're decked out in identical shades of noir, it's possible they were going for Posh and Becks style matching outfits but gave up half way through and decided to go out for dinner instead.
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Here's one way to detract from your own crazy ways; stand in front of someone who's even more unhinged...
She might be 150, but Madonna still gave her best Popeye impression during the Barcelona stop-off of her Sticky and Sweet tour - something Britney Spears wouldn't have managed if she'd been there in person rather than just via a video recording.
With muscle like that, Jesus will never be able to escape her grasp.
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Bad luck, Madonna... You may have the love of Jesus, but you don't have PETA on your side - and its wrath can be far more scary; the singer has topped the animal rights organisation's 2009 worst dressed celebrities list.
In a statement on its website, PETA stated; "When you see [her] in fur, you realise why nobody has copied her style since 1984. We know that she's on the prowl for a young cub, but someone needs to tell Madge that wearing fur doesn't make you a cougar."
Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen, Kate Moss, Elizabeth Hurley and Kanye West also get a dishonourable mention, with the latter described as "old school and cruel... [He] rants about not winning Album of the Year at the Grammy Awards, but what he really deserves is a 'lifetime bereavement award' for all of the corpses in his closet."
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Any dignity surrounding Madonna and Guy Ritchie's divorce seemed to fly out of the window within, erm, seconds of their announcement. And now Madge has just taken another swipe at her soon-to-be-ex-husband.
The dig? Eight-year-old Rocco Ritchie was snapped in New York this week wearing a baseball shirt. A baseball shirt of... the New York Yankees. Which just happens to be the team of Madonna's close personal friend Alex Rodriguez, aka A-Rod.
Coincidence? Well, this is Madonna we're talking about, so I think we can safely say: "No".
"Rocco's been a baseball fan for a while, but dressing him in a Yankees shirt at this time is a clear snub to Guy," a source tells The Sun. "She wants to show him that Team Madonna can play tough."
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The phone calls going something like:
"Madge - I'm going to a premiere at the London Film Festival tonight. And everyone's telling me that it's fancy dress, and that you have to go dressed as a gorilla... Yes... Apparently it's the sequel to Gorillas In The Mist... Anyway, do you think I should believe them?"
Well, believe them, she did. For here was Gwyneth Paltrow on the red carpet in Leicester Square last night - unfortunately dressed like a gorilla for the premiere of the new romantic drama Two Lovers, and not Gorillas In The Mist II, after all.
Still, I'm rather liking her black draped dress by Salvatore Ferragamo - although not so much her fur shrug by Felder & Felder if it is, indeed, real fur. Whatever would her pal Stella McCartney say?
And as for her other pal Madonna - well, Gwynnie revealed on the red carpet last night that she's just trying to "be there" for her friend during her divorce.
"You know, she's a dear friend, and I'm supporting her in all [the] ways that I can. I'm just here for her," she sighed. And according to Us magazine, that means being "in constant contact with Madonna". "I'm just here on the other end of the phone, really... I speak to her a lot," confirmed Gwyn last night.
Aww. Well, a gorilla in need is a gorilla indeed, eh?
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Only days after giving (nearly ex-)hubby Guy Ritchie a hard time over his insensitive "British ways" - even though, with her penchant for flat caps, tweed jackets and jodphurs, she clearly liked some of our "British ways" - Madonna has apparently reached a divorce settlement in which the RocknRolla director gets to keep the pub. As Guy might say: "Result!"
Actually, he doesn't just get the pub. He also gets an estate. No, not a car - it's the couple's 1,200-acre country estate. According to The Sun, Guy will get the Punch Bowl pub in Mayfair and the Ashcombe House estate in Berwick St John, Wilts. And a load of dosh as well, giving a total value of around $60 million.
So, that's all that sorted, then. And what with Madonna getting famous divorce lawyer Fiona Shackleton to represent her (you know, the one who got drenched by Heather Mills McCartney), Fiona can hopefully relax in the knowledge that Guy has no intention of soaking her.
Indeed not, for Guy will now be to busy with other plans. That's right, expect more "knees up Mother Brown, Step In Time, me old bamboo" cockney capers - for "Guy now plans to bed as many women as possible," a pal told The Sun. "Guy has always been very popular with women. They have thrown themselves at him throughout his marriage but he has always been utterly faithful. Now it's all over he plans to have a little fun - something that has been missing from his life for far too long."
Well, we wish them both the best. Here's Madonna with two new adopted sons. Oops! No, it's a very old man and a very young one, Iggy and Justin, standing with Madonna in chronological order.
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Madonna has been continuing her world tour in New York and Boston since the announcement on Wednesday that she and Guy Ritchie are getting divorced. Well, the show must go on, and all that. And what better way to cheer yourself up than performing in fishnets and top hats in front of thousands of people who love you? I know it works for me when times are hard.
As was to be expected, stories are now dripping through about the reasons behind Madge and Guy's split: and the headline on today's Sun blames a horse. Or something. Well, I guess that would explain the riding boots.
"If you can pinpoint an exact event or incident which spelled the death knell for them as a couple, Madonna's horse-riding accident was it," a close friend of the star told The Sun. "She was so furious at what she saw as Guy's lack of support and cruelty that she told him she was wrong to marry him as he couldn't possibly be her soulmate."
Madonna, says the friend, complained that "Guy approached the whole thing in what she now calls, 'A very British way'. Instead of smothering her with sympathy he said, 'Come on darling, you're a tough bird. You'll be back on the horse in no time'... Madonna's convinced British men are light years behind Americans when it comes to emotional honesty and sophistication."
Whoa! What's that?! Criticising the men in your adopted country? Look, not all British blokes make bad movies and pretend to be Cockneys, Madge. No, really. They don't. Maybe you were just married to the wrong one?
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