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The phone calls going something like:
"Madge - I'm going to a premiere at the London Film Festival tonight. And everyone's telling me that it's fancy dress, and that you have to go dressed as a gorilla... Yes... Apparently it's the sequel to Gorillas In The Mist... Anyway, do you think I should believe them?"
Well, believe them, she did. For here was Gwyneth Paltrow on the red carpet in Leicester Square last night - unfortunately dressed like a gorilla for the premiere of the new romantic drama Two Lovers, and not Gorillas In The Mist II, after all.
Still, I'm rather liking her black draped dress by Salvatore Ferragamo - although not so much her fur shrug by Felder & Felder if it is, indeed, real fur. Whatever would her pal Stella McCartney say?
And as for her other pal Madonna - well, Gwynnie revealed on the red carpet last night that she's just trying to "be there" for her friend during her divorce.
"You know, she's a dear friend, and I'm supporting her in all [the] ways that I can. I'm just here for her," she sighed. And according to Us magazine, that means being "in constant contact with Madonna". "I'm just here on the other end of the phone, really... I speak to her a lot," confirmed Gwyn last night.
Aww. Well, a gorilla in need is a gorilla indeed, eh?
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Only days after giving (nearly ex-)hubby Guy Ritchie a hard time over his insensitive "British ways" - even though, with her penchant for flat caps, tweed jackets and jodphurs, she clearly liked some of our "British ways" - Madonna has apparently reached a divorce settlement in which the RocknRolla director gets to keep the pub. As Guy might say: "Result!"
Actually, he doesn't just get the pub. He also gets an estate. No, not a car - it's the couple's 1,200-acre country estate. According to The Sun, Guy will get the Punch Bowl pub in Mayfair and the Ashcombe House estate in Berwick St John, Wilts. And a load of dosh as well, giving a total value of around $60 million.
So, that's all that sorted, then. And what with Madonna getting famous divorce lawyer Fiona Shackleton to represent her (you know, the one who got drenched by Heather Mills McCartney), Fiona can hopefully relax in the knowledge that Guy has no intention of soaking her.
Indeed not, for Guy will now be to busy with other plans. That's right, expect more "knees up Mother Brown, Step In Time, me old bamboo" cockney capers - for "Guy now plans to bed as many women as possible," a pal told The Sun. "Guy has always been very popular with women. They have thrown themselves at him throughout his marriage but he has always been utterly faithful. Now it's all over he plans to have a little fun - something that has been missing from his life for far too long."
Well, we wish them both the best. Here's Madonna with two new adopted sons. Oops! No, it's a very old man and a very young one, Iggy and Justin, standing with Madonna in chronological order.
Cheryl Cole Style Special! 5 pre- and post-X Factor looks - click here to start shopping Cheryl's style
Madonna has been continuing her world tour in New York and Boston since the announcement on Wednesday that she and Guy Ritchie are getting divorced. Well, the show must go on, and all that. And what better way to cheer yourself up than performing in fishnets and top hats in front of thousands of people who love you? I know it works for me when times are hard.
As was to be expected, stories are now dripping through about the reasons behind Madge and Guy's split: and the headline on today's Sun blames a horse. Or something. Well, I guess that would explain the riding boots.
"If you can pinpoint an exact event or incident which spelled the death knell for them as a couple, Madonna's horse-riding accident was it," a close friend of the star told The Sun. "She was so furious at what she saw as Guy's lack of support and cruelty that she told him she was wrong to marry him as he couldn't possibly be her soulmate."
Madonna, says the friend, complained that "Guy approached the whole thing in what she now calls, 'A very British way'. Instead of smothering her with sympathy he said, 'Come on darling, you're a tough bird. You'll be back on the horse in no time'... Madonna's convinced British men are light years behind Americans when it comes to emotional honesty and sophistication."
Whoa! What's that?! Criticising the men in your adopted country? Look, not all British blokes make bad movies and pretend to be Cockneys, Madge. No, really. They don't. Maybe you were just married to the wrong one?
Cheryl Cole Style Special! 5 pre- and post-X Factor looks - click here to start shopping Cheryl's style
Yes, there was a triple threat in New York last night!
Madonna, gawd bless her divorcing soul, was performing at Madison Square Garden - and guess who was in the crowd? That's right: '80s pop cross-dresser Marilyn*. And guess who was next to him? Why, Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson! In an act not just of concert-going, but also of 'putting those break-up rumours to rest'.
As you can see from this long-range, blurry shot, it's rather hard to tell what Lindsay and Samantha were wearing that night. Although I think we can tell that Marilyn was wearing a shiny big blonde wig. Adda girl! I mean: boy!
Cheryl Cole Style Special! 5 pre- and post-X Factor looks - click here to start shopping Cheryl's style
*possibly
As in: Madonna's marriage. Not Gwyneth Paltrow's own marriage to Chris Martin.
Gwyneth Paltrow was snapped out at an art fair in London's Regent's Park yesterday. And while she looked very cool in her black Tods coat, cropped trousers and, yes, Barack Obama badge, she also looked a bit down in the mouth.
Which isn't too surprising, given that yesterday her pals Madonna and Guy Ritchie officially announced that their seven-and-a-half-year marriage was over.
And which is doubly unsurprising given the story in today's Daily Mail.
According to the paper, Gwyneth "spent the past few months desperately trying to convince her best friend Madonna not to separate from Guy" because he believes that they "should remain together for the sake of their three children".
"Gwyneth is said to have advised her friend to think long and hard about the effects a divorce from the film director will have on Rocco, eight, adopted David Banda, two, and Lourdes, Madonna's 12-year-old daughter," reports the Mail - with a source adding: "Gwyneth begged Madonna all summer not to be an idiot and let this marriage fall apart."
But, sadly, fall apart it did. Better keep working on that British stiff upper lip, Gwynnie.
Cheryl Cole Style Special! 5 pre- and post-X Factor looks - click here to start shopping Cheryl's style
Rumours are rife today that Madonna and Guy Ritchie are about to announce their break-up.
According to a "highly placed source", speaking to The Sun, Madonna wanted to wait until her tour was over next year before going public with the split - but she and Guy now "can't bear to live with the pretence any longer".
"They have had a string of shouting matches about the amount of time each devotes to their careers, and over Madonna's desire to adopt another child," reports the tabloid.
"It's very sad," says the source. "They were a great couple and brilliant parents. They just couldn't live together any more."
Oh dear. And there was Madge just this week, paying homage to her husband's gun-rife films with a pair of gun-rife shoes (Chanel) on the red carpet in New York. Sadly just that too little, just that too late.
Cheryl Cole Style Special! 5 pre- and post-X Factor looks - click here to start shopping Cheryl's style
In the words of A Mighty Wind: Victoria Beckham's so retro, she's nowtro!
Yes, the woman who can make front-page news by stepping out wearing anything has just guaranteed even more front-page news by stepping out wearing a Madonna T-shirt. A Madonna 1987 World Tour T-shirt, to be precise. Although what's the betting that it's not authentic.
Victoria sported her new/old T-shirt (and her Birkin bag) yesterday, as she popped out in Beverly Hills with her yougest son Cruz. And is it just me, but with that current hairdo, is she not looking a little like an mid-Spice Girl-era Posh Spice? Well, I suppose that would be taking the whole 'retro' thing to its logical conclusion, eh?
Cheryl Cole Style Special! 5 pre- and post-X Factor looks - click here to start shopping Cheryl's style
When we hit the big 5-0 we're not going to start counting down to our free bus pass. Nope, we're going to don a black body suit, knee high boots, get some seriously toned arms, snap up some opaque tights and dance in front of thousands. Yep, just like Madonna who looked a-mazing while performing at the Stade de France Stadium in Paris as part of her 'Sticky and Sweet Tour 2008'.
So Guy gets a hard time occasionally? Hey, surely it's worth it!
(Second thoughts, maybe we'll just embrace elasticated waists and Clarks' shoes. Who's going to care?)
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See? Now they've really made it!
Amy Winehouse and Victoria Beckham have been immortalised in Lego. Along with Madonna, the X Factor judges, David Beckham, Angelina Jolie, Brad Pitt, Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt's twins, and, erm, Alan Titchmarsh.
The plastic figures basically look like their real-life models only pulled so that they're all much fatter and, erm, sort of square shaped. Amy's is 'wearing' a white top and blue shorts and, yes, even sports tattoos.
Unfortunately, the Lego figures won't be on sale to the general public - having been created just to celebrate the company's 30th birthday. Shame. I'm sure you could spend hours play-fighting with Victoria Beckham and Alan Titchmarsh...
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You've got to hand it to her, haven't you? Some underwear, I mean. Thank goodness she has a guitar to protect her honour!
Yes, Madonna tour her Sticky & Sweet tour to Wembley last night - in front of a screaming audience which included her close personal showbiz chums Gwyneth Paltrow and Kate Hudson.
And as you can see, her main costume of choice consisted chiefly of fishnet. Still, at least she looked fighting fit in it. Amy Winehouse, you might want to take note: if you want a long-lasting recording and performing career, you might want to start a macrobiotic diet, workout regularly and give up the booze. Just a thought.
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