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Amy Winehouse at a ball? You just know that somethings are set to end in disaster... If only she'd fled the knees-up at the stroke of midnight and left a crusty ballet slipper as the only sign of her attendance she might have escaped a whole load of trouble.
What is alleged to have really gone down at the Berkeley Ball is that she punched a 30-year-old dancer called Sherene Flash in the face after being asked for a photo.
What the hell was Flash thinking? You know that Wino can only be snapped when she's in her full crackie glory - even if your surname is more camera friendly than Mr Paparazzi.
The pair have now come face to face again at City of Westminster Magistrates' Court today where the singer is on trial for common assault - not a crime against footwear.
Running low on your stock of Outrage by Kerry Katona? How about trying a new scent from Amy Winehouse instead?
According to reports, Wino and her father Mitch have begun approaching perfume manufacturers with the idea of creating a scent inspired by the singer. A heady aroma of all her favourite things; crusty ballet pumps, Blake's old track-mark scabs and stray St Lucian mutts we'd guess...
"They want it to reflect her style with a classic smoky 1950s look and smell," a source told that oracle of truth The Daily Star. "Amy is keen to expand her brand and wants to latch on to the celeb perfumes bandwagon while she can. They know her fans love to copy her style, and her trademark fashion and beehive hair-do were last year's must-have look."
Never one to cash in on his daughter, we can only assume that Mitch has a secret ambition as a perfumist. I can't imagine Wino's nose is too sharp these days, so it's likely that her role won't be very hands-on. Daniella Westbrook probably has a better sense of smell.
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It only took a eight month holiday in the sun and a divorce, but Amy Winehouse is now back on the right kind of track - according to her mum at least...
"A year ago, everyone was saying: 'Will she get through this, will she even survive?' And look at her now. We've got the old Amy back. I always knew she'd come through it. And I know she doesn't want to go back to the drugs," her mother Janis explained to Closer. "St Lucia was good in many ways because there were no hard drugs around, but she was bored, so she drank. She didn't have many friends around her. But she's sorting herself out and I'm sure she'll stop drinking when she's ready.
"I've spent some time with her since she got back. She's put on a bit of weight and looks better than she has in a long time. She was busy cooking, so that's a good sign that she's actually eating. I think she's pleased to be home and I know she's happier now."
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Wouldn't the world be an easier place if we could just blame all our troubles on Blake Fielder-Civil? It's a game that Amy Winehouse is playing after her shambolic Caribbean gig this weekend.
Despite initially blaming the poor weather (another ones of our favourite excuses), the Rehab singer's representatives decided to change their spin after fans described her brief appearance as 'embarrassing'.
"It's the first time Amy has sung those songs for a long time. They brought back all her memories of her Blake," a spokesperson said.
After everything she's consumed, I'm surprised she has any Blake memories though...
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Here's a great love story if ever there was one; Amy Winehouse's estranged husband Blake Fielder-Civil is expecting a child with another woman who he met a rehab.
The 27-year-old had an affair with mother-of-two Gillian Morris, 31, when they were both staying at the Phoenix Futures Rehab Centre in Sheffield nearly two months ago, according to the News Of The World.
"Blake seduced me and we had a secret fling. When I told him I was pregnant he said: 'Oh f***!' But he vowed to stand by me and raise the child," she told the paper. "Initially I was planning to have an abortion but Blake's vow has completely thrown me. I never planned for any more children. Our fling was just a bit of fun. I never imagined these consequences. I'm now confused and don't know what to do."
I'm sure Amy's money hasn't even crossed her mind - nor any cash from the tabloid.
Just as well Wino's happily shacked up in St Lucia, but I'm sure she'll be happy to play Stepmom on her return.
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Now, while some celebrities may be dressing as Sarah Palin this Haloween - step forward, Ms Lindsay Lohan - others have found even scarier costumes.
Such as Cindy Crawford - who was snapped going to a Halloween party at the weekend, dressed as our very own Amy Winehouse.
Now, just to clear things up: firstly, this isn't Cindy on the left here. Her costume was quite that convincing. And secondly, I am reliably informed by a genuine American that in the States, the tradition for Halloween parties is just to go in fancy dress (not that they call it 'fancy dress'), ie. the costume doesn't have to be scary per se - it just has to be a costume. So the idea of dressing as Amy Winehouse isn't quite as insulting to Amy as it may first appear. Thankfully.
If you're interested in the details, I can tell you that Cindy's outfit was very authentic - consisting of a big beehive wig with a bandana in it, a leopard print pencil dress and a mole on her upper lip. No, wait. Amy Winehouse doesn't have a mole, does she?
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Pink, aka Alecia Moore, has been in town to star on ITV1's For One Night Only. Along with, ahem, Jimmy Tarbuck. She'll be on show number 3... so, it's not For One Night Only then? Confusing eh?
And she's gone all Hi-Yo Silver! Silver hair, silver jewellry, silver (ish)... Oh, if you insist, grey... dress, and a creepy crawley crawling down her leg. John Mayer's tattoos get everywhere once they are on the loose.
Her latest single, So What, from the album Funhouse, is seen by many as a dig at her ex-husband, Carey Hart. The opening line is "I guess I just lost my husband", so these Sherlocks may well be on to something.
Is this silver get-up saying So What, or was it all for the benefit of ageing scouse legend Tarbuck? Way-hey!
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Not that she's actually, y'know, asked for it - as far as I know.
But whether she wants it or not, American model-stroke-burlesque dancer Dita Von Teese wants to help out the walking train-wreck that is Amy Winehouse.
"No matter how much [Amy] breaks down, she still has the beehive of sorts and the outfits and eyeliner," Dita tells the Daily Express. "When I see pictures of her I wish I could tidy her up a bit".
Ah, "tidy her up a bit". Dita may be the queen of burlesque - but she's also clearly the queen of understatement.
Still, at least Amy agrees with her. "Look what happened to my dreams. I am a mess, look at me," she said, sadly, at the Berkley Square Ball on Saturday night. "I can't believe what has happened tome. I am so sad."
*Insert sad face here*.
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Amy Winehouse may have been running around losing shoes and being generally debauched at the End Of Summer Ball in London's Berkeley Square last night - but one guest who was holding it together rather better was Pippa Middleton. Aka the sister of Kate Middleton, and therefore aka the possible future sister-in-law of Prince William.
And with a name like Pippa, I'm sure she'll fit in marvelously with the old money set. But I digress.
For here was young Pippa at the aforementioned ball last night, showing that Kate Middleton's style runs in the family. "Kate Middleton's style" being: the ability to be lithe and brunette, and wear long, flowing halterneck dresses.
Coming next: the Middletons' dog in a peach satin number!
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For veritably, she is a modern-day Cinderella.
Here was Kate Moss in London last night - looking lovely in black, as usual, although ever so slightly tired after a big night out at Vendome. In fact, she was so tired that she apparently lost her shoe as she hopped into this taxi here. See, she can't even be bothered to keep them on her feet!
But wait! What's this? News just in - Amy Winehouse also lost her shoe in London last night!
"The Rehab singer had been performing in front of a star-studded VIP crowd at The End Of Summer Ball in London's Berkeley Square," reports this morning's Metro. "But far from being the belle of the ball, Amy ended up looking more like a tatty Cinderella as she blundered around with a scowl on her face wearing only one shoe."
Blimey! What is going on? Is there a celebrity shoe thief in London? Is it some sort of hot new trend? I think we should be told.
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