1. You spent more than £20 on a new handbag

Or a new pair of shoes. Or just about any item of clothing that you already possess one of in a perfectly reasonable condition.

2. He'll find out how much his birthday present really cost

Or to be more precise: how little his birthday present really cost. In the January sales. Ten months ago.

3. You've used it to pay for divorce lawyer fees

Or chatline phone calls. Or a really expensive spa treatment. They're all equally hard to explain away.

4. You bought something from QVC

While you were at home alone, drinking a bottle of wine. And you don't even remember making the call.

5. You spent more than £5 on a haircut

Your partner simply will not understand why the short-back-and-sides trim he has at the barber down the road has no female equivalent.

6. You spent £300 on something...

and it wasn't a Wii or an Xbox. In fact: it wasn't anything electrical, digital or mechanical, anything which plays games or music, takes photographs, contains a calendar or browses the Web. That just about covers it.

7. You splashed out on a surprise weekend away...

for yourself. Sorry: for you both. Sorry: for him.

8. You went out for lunch with The Girls

And three hours, three courses and three bottles of rosé later, said: 'Shtickinonmycard'.

9. He thinks you don't have a credit card

I know, incredible. But it might just work.

10. You're a financially independent woman of the Noughties

And he's not your father.